Funniest of 2006 So Far......

As I told this story to bittermonkey last night, it did NOT occur to me to actually post it. But alas, there's not much that I won't talk about, so here goes........

*Note....this is quite embarrassing*

I met Sal after work yesturday and we went to Trader Joe's for some crock pot fixins'. We shopped then walked home (this is when we realized that something was up in our neighborhood, as our block was CRAWLING with news teams and reporters.....see previous post). ANYway, we unpacked the groceries turned on the TV, and I put on a pot of vegatable and lentil soup. We also had an AMAZINGLY heinous night of BAD reality television. First there was American Idol.......BAD. Then (and this took the cake) "Skating With the Stars" or some shit like that. Debbie Gibson paired with an olympic gold medalist does NOT make for good TV, let me tell you. Alas, salvation was had at 10PM when Project Runway came on. More mother effin' ICE SKATING! If you watched it, you know what Im talking about. ANYWAY.................

After the soup, we started chopping ingredients for our "Chicken Gumbo Surprise." Onions, peppers, chicken, garlic, homo- made canned tomatos, cumin, pepper, salt, oregano, and some hot sauce. MMMMMMM All of a sudden, I felt mt stomache sort of "flip" as it does when you THINK that you might have to pass gas or "go to the bathroom," if you will. *grumble grumble grumble* "Uh oh" I said, as I made a running DASH for the toilet. *smoosh blech fart boom* coming out of my little butt hole.
"You ok in there" asked Sal, even though he didn't want to THINK about the effects lentil soup has on his favorite sexual area on my body. "Uh....yeah....I'll .....*ouch* ....be fine."

As the entire contents of my body shot out of me for the next hour and a half, I had alot of time to think. I thought about world hunger...I thought about wrinkles......I thought about how I THOUGHT that I pooped MORE when I used to smoke, but I guess that's not true.......then I thought about how much I wanted a cigarette.......I thought about taking a shower and washing my butt with my new LUSH products......I thought about people who don't have the luxury of bathrooms with toilets that "flush the heinousness away".........

As I was ALMOST done and reveling in my own thoughts of such "important" matters as the above listed, I heard a little voice say "Don't forget to use the wet wipes on your butt!"
..................... ................................................
You know when you're at that "comfartable" stage in a relationship when your boyfriend isn't afraid to tell you how to wipe your ass clean. *sigh* As my mortification set in, i wiped my butt with toilet paper, then went to reach to my left which is where the "wet wipes" are. My left hand reached down, and I just couldn't grab them. "Hmmmm....where are these fuckers?" I sort of contorted my body to try and look to my left behind me to see where the box of wipies are, and THEN......................

*BOOOOOOOMMMMM CRASH SPILL SPLASH OOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH*

I fall OFF the toilet and into the bathtub HEAD FIRST with my PANTS around my ANKLES!! *sigh* As if the embarrassing stomache grumbles, running to the bathroom, AWEFUL sounds echoing from my butthole, and my boyfriend telling me how to clean my butt hole wasn't earth-shattering enough! Now I almost KILLED myself trying to find these mother FUCKING wet wipes that I'm supposed to use to wipe my ass with.

*boom boom boom boom* (Sal's foot steps running to the bathroon door) "Babe.....you ok?" ME: Grabbing my pants and trying to reach for the bathroon door to LOCK it.......................I FALL AGAIN! This time I managed to smash my head up against the wall, knock down a picture, and dump all of the wet wipes out of their tightly packed container and onto MYSELF. ..................................................................................................

Sal COMPLETELY freaked out: "Robby.....what's going on!!!!???" ME: "um.....................noth...................nothing.....................I'm ok..................FUCK"

I pulled myself up, FINALLY wiped my tender ass, pulled my pants up, and TRIED to flush the embarrassment away with the guts that I just pooped out an hour before hand.

The moral of the story? DO NOT buy Trader Joe's Lentil/vegatable soup (even though it tastes AMAZING) when you are in a relationship.

I walked out, didn't even LOOK at him, went to my emergency cigarette stash, grabbed a ciggy and promptly went outside for a smoke. I figured, hey.....might as well continue the embarrassment of the night by smoking, right? *sigh*

So here I sit, the bruise on my face as a reminder that the test of true love is not butterflies in your stomache, but the fact that your partner is comfortable to try and help you in a time of need as digusting and deplorable as shitting your brains out.

*double sigh*

And just for all of you who REALLY know me, yes. I was completely SOBER.